i miss gabe. i hope hes doing ok. i dont know when theyll let him out... i dont know anything.

baby is doing ok. heartbeat is good.

i wish i was ok.

too drunk to write... equals too drunk to type. its so much easier to fix typos rather than cross things out....

no one looks for me here, im free to spill my soul.

IM ANGRY. thats about it as of now. what im angry at i cant explain in words.

im pretty sure my livejournal has officially died. i never update this goddamned thing anymore, but i still read everyone elses.... basically community bullshit.

hmmm what to say what to say? everythings different. moved out of johns, back in with jenny... new addition jozwick. hes here, hes clean... all that matters. right?

im listless. shits the same. few new people in the mix. good and bad. yes and no. i have nothing smart or insightful for any of you. pictures...that i do.

dead as dead can be, the doctor tells me.

friends only from now on... i dont know who is snooping around trying to read my shit.

nothing super spectacular.



( vacant eyes +1 )

i remember this feeling, with distinct clarity. such clarity it physically hurts. when your mind is stuck in between two very different opinions and your heart can only fail miserably at playing referee. stuck in the grey area of wants and needs, wrongs and rights, selfishness and selflessness, compromising yourself and letting someone else be the one to bend. since when did emotions and having feelings become an evolutionary disadvantage? oh yeah, i must have missed it. im sure i was too busy being elated or devastated. [i fluctuate between the two, but can rarely ever gain some kind of middle ground.] having feelings and having them hurt by someone else will only get you branded some kind of rude and uncalled for insult. i often can not figure out if its better to let the second party insult me or let my mind insult itself when my mouth was too slow to speak and relay anything semi-intelligent. i should know better than to even try to convey to someone else my half retardedness. i get myself into trouble, that the original problem didnt even warrent. i wish all of my systems worked well together. apparently i didnt socialize them well enough! heart meet brain, meet the logic system!

im too sensitive to do anything logical. when a situation calls for my, usually UNcalled for feelings, i blurt them out quicker than a wrong answer while watching JEOPARDY. ill never learn and ill always suffer undue consequences.

i am miserable with the way EVERYTHING in my life is going, except for my relationship with my boyfriend, which is excellent. i dont want to sit and bitch and whine, when i know that i could change whats wrong. BUT, sometimes we all need a kick in the ass to get us moving. ive got a list a mile long of things id like to change.... im trying, but i could be trying harder.

i need some motivation, inspiration.... anything.

im afraid this wont last. its too risky, too much pain, too much cause for concern. i dont know if ill be able to endure this nagging feeling.

saturday at the park. all taken on my phone... so pardon the quality.

last night, being as it WAS thursday night, we went to stonewalls. im not one to dance, unless say, im really inebriated or im at a rave. i have to say though, dancing last night brought back so many memories of raves and parties. being in the center of a crowd of people, lights flashing, bass vibrating your soul, sweating away the impurities of the real world. its just you, and youre lost and your mind is spinning.

This journal will showcase my works, both written and visual. If you have any questions about anything you see here, feel free to contact me at Stephanie.Cyanide@gmail.com, and ill be happy to assit you in anyway I can.